It's Not You, It's Us

A Dear John Letter to MTG on Her National Divorce Idea

Mar 03, 2023

Dear Marjorie,

First off, I have to tell you its been a fun, wild ride. You’re genuinely crazy, but in a good way where the news media love to put you on showing how absolutely ridiculous you are. I mean, normally a State of the Union is a bland, civil affair but to watch you and your comrade in arms Lauren Boebert make a total mockery of democracy and Constitutional duty, well that’s just something you can’t take your eyeballs off of no matter how hard you try.

We love how you like to drape the flag over yourself and yell “Patriots!” and “Amurica!” like its an internet meme completely hollow of meaning, but with an artistic touch. I mean, its more “Team America: World Police” than “Saving Private Ryan,” however you have to love the hold it has on so many hucksters out on claymore alley with Gadsden flags on their front porches and Trump stickers up and down their beat up Ford Truck from that time they traded in the old Chevy during Obama’s “Cash for clunkers” program.

You see though, some of your thoughts (OK, all of them) are just a little too far out there for us. And by “us” I mean the red blooded, patriotic, America loving citizens of this country, including your state of Georgia and your Congressional District. But it’s one of these in particular, your idea of a “National Divorce,” that is just a bridge too far. It’s a big, bright flashing alarm that we’re just growing apart. We want to love our country and support it. Sure, it’s not perfect and can use some improvement, but it’s not a lost cause. You on the other hand want to cower away and cut off the outside world with finality, We can’t go along with that.

This isn’t just about the kind of company you keep. I get why you would want to go and live free with the other insurrectionists, pseudo-revolutionary fascists of the world, I mean, who wouldn’t (well, me, and most of America really, but I’m trying to be nice and understanding here)? I’m sure it’s fun shooting off weapons with high velocity dreaming it’s the government on the other side (actually, I don’t see the fun in that, but to each their own I guess). It’s just that, to make a better country and a better world, we have to contribute to it and offer sound advice and constructive opinion, not try and blow it up like Guy Fawkes. Oh, I’m sorry, you probably don’t know who that is. Just think of that guy from the “bald Natalie Portman” movie with the mask that those Anonymous hackers use.

Not to get too personal here, but the idea of divorce may just be projection over your own personal relationships and how you recently got divorced from your spouse yourself in December. You may be thinking its a good idea to just start over and get a fresh start unattached much like that. I can assure you that when it comes to government and politics, this is a terrible idea. We need to have attachments to the outside world, and splitting up a country makes everyone weaker as a result.

I know this hurts. Please, have a sip of box wine while I cover this next part because it’s important. You see, we don’t hate people who disagree with us like you do. These “red” and “blue” and “liberal” and “conservative” and “Republican” and “Democratic” labels have completely skewed your perception of the world in which we live. We aren’t as divisive as you seem to believe. We don’t see enemies when someone calls us out; we see small business owners, we see factory workers, we see teachers, we see students, we see veterans, all with differences of opinion but who believe in America. They are our neighbors, our families our friends. But most of all we see Americans working hard to make our country better. We don’t want to give that up. We don’t want to be divorced from that, we want to be a part of it.

So I’m sorry we have to say this Marj, but we have reconcilable differences, despite what you think. There are no issues in this country that cannot be overcome with what is great about this country.

That’s what true patriotism looks like.

PurpleAmerica’s Obscure Fact of the Day

Americans have the fourth highest rate of divorce in the world, behind only Russia, Belarus and Gibraltar (er…Gibraltar, really?)

It would be no shock that the state with the highest rate of divorce is Nevada (which also has the highest rate of weddings).

According to the American Psychological Association, over 40% of first marriages end in divorce. The rate is even higher for second marriages at 67%!

The three most common occupations with high divorce rates are 1) military, 2) health care professions and 3) bartenders.

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PurpleAmerica Cultural Criticism Corner

If you’ve never seen Team America: World Police, do yourself a favor and watch it. Made by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the makers of South Park and The Book of Mormon, it has all the irreverent humor of those, but with puppets. Just watch this for a taste.