PurpleAmerica: The Santa Interview
Our In Depth Interview with St. Nick.
Happy Holidays PurpleAmericans, and today we are in for a special treat. While all the reputable news sources go after exclusive interviews with Donald Trump, Matt Gaetz, Kash Patel and the incoming and outgoing administration, we managed the coup de grace with our interview with none other than Kris Kringle himself, Santa Claus.
PurpleAmerica: Welcome Santa, thank you for taking time out of your busy holiday schedule to be with us.
Santa: It’s a pleasure to be here Purple. You’ve been pretty nice this year, so this is your Christmas present. HO Ho Ho.
PurpleAmerica: I’d hope you would be a little more generous. I mean, I am doing this for the Teeming Millions out there who want to hear from Santa.
Santa: That seems selfish Purple. You can be generous with your time as well. Ho Ho ho!.
PurpleAmerica: I suppose you’re right. What do you think of politics today in America Santa?
Santa: I think it’s way too self centered. There aren’t enough people thinking of other people and doing things out of the goodness of their hearts. The best of society is what happens when people go out of their way to help one another. The Christmas Spirit should be embodied by everyone year round. Then, perhaps, we wouldn’t have all these problems out there that we do.
PurpleAmerica: Here here! What do you have to say about the millions out there that see you as nothing but a megamaniacal CEO tyrant enslaving thousands of elves, keeping them at the North Pole and making them work for nothing? I mean, not even minimum wage, terrible working conditions, and don’t you think that giving away their hard work and redistributing it to others for nothing amounts to socialism at its worst? What say you ‘St. Nicholas.’?
Santa: But they do it out of the goodness of their hearts and the Christmas Spirit Purple! It’s for the joy of seeing the good girls and boys out there happy!
PurpleAmerica: Uh huh. Tell it to the NLRB Kringle.
Santa: Uh huh. [Pulls up list on computer, clicks the “Naughty” box for PurpleAmerica]
PurpleAmerica: I see. [*coughs*] Moving on. How do you manage your logistics and workflow in today’s business environment Santa?
Santa: That’s a great question, Purple. Times change and I have to adapt to ever changing environments myself. The elves have gotten particularly savvy at digitizing and making the assembly lines more efficient, and now that the Reindeer are on a strict gluten-free protein regimen, they’ve never been faster. Frankly, Vixen has really bulked up and Blitzen’s TikTok videos of his workouts are getting millions of likes a day. His glutes are absolutely sublime. It’s the modern world, I’m just living in it.
PurpleAmerica: That’s fascinating. I understand you’ve integrated AI into your processes now too.
Santa: That’s right Purple. Because the various processes from one year to the next on who’s naughty and who’s nice are often duplicative, I’ve streamlined development and CRM by creating my own AI tool that factors into the many different things every boy or girl does and calculates their inclusion on the naughty or nice list algorithmically. But most importantly, and this is what I am most proud of, it then calculates and finds the perfect present for the little ones. Frankly, the idea came to me two years ago when I was making my Fantasy Football Draft list and figured there had to be a better way. It’s never been more exact and the process is completely seemless. Now I do a rudimentary double check in December to finalize it and we’re off around the world. Piece of cake.
PurpleAmerica: That’s amazing. So all that stuff about “making a list, checking it twice” is now, “AI makes the list, and you check it once.” Much more efficient.
Santa: I know. The extra time is one of the reasons I can do this interview. That and Mrs. Claus was worried I was working too hard every year. Every year, working on the holidays, it can put a lot of stress on relationships.
PurpleAmerica: I hear you.
Santa: Yeah, and this year, there has already been a lot of stress out there. People need to loosen up a little more and AI can certainly give them the freedom to start to do that. I mean, I don’t even think about it anymore and it’s a huge load off my shoulders.
PurpleAmerica: Amazing. Perhaps you can give us a glimpse into how well it’s doing and give me and my readers a sneak peak at what you’re getting some famous people this year?
Santa: Ho, Ho Ho! That’s a good one Purple. Eh, why not? It’s Christmas. [Prints off portion of list and starts reading it].
OK. Ryan Reynolds is getting…. a Taylor Swift doll. Hmm. That seems a little off.
And P Diddy, was Naughty….OK it got that one right.
[Reading quizically] Donald Trump is…..well, now that makes sense I suppose.
[ To himself] And Sydney Sweeney is getting….a Taylor Swift doll? That makes no sense! [To PurpleAmerica] I don’t know, I think this may be one of them ‘hallucinations’ I keep hearing about.
PurpleAmerica: Or perhaps a Taylor Swift doll was the perfect gift for everyone? It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Santa: [quizically mumbling]
Simone Biles. Taylor Swift Doll?
Ariande Grande. Taylor Swift Doll?
And Joe Biden is getting… a Taylor Swift doll. For the love of…
Timothee Chalomet. Shohei Ohtani. Jake Tapper. All Taylor Swift dolls?
And Scarlett Johannsen is getting… A Taylor… WTF. ER….ah…..I think I might have a bug in the system here Purple.
And Travis Kelce is getting…. oh dear. I’m not sure if that qualifies him for the naughty list or not. Um….
PurpleAmerica: Is everything OK Santa?
Santa: [doing math in his head] Let’s see, 3 billion kids, 22 hrs until I have to take off…..can’t be done. Can’t be done. What am I going to do?
PurpleAmerica: Santa?
Santa: OH yeah, Yeah, uh… HO HO HO. That was just a little Christmas humor there Purple! Of course I can’t show you the real list! [wipes forehead]. Sorry, Purple, I’m going to have to cut this interview a little short. Lots to do you know! Less than a day before Christmas Eve! Have to get final preparations going.
PurpleAmerica: Thank you much Santa and have a Mer…
[Santa abruptly cuts connection]
Hmm. Didn’t even get to finish saying Merry Christmas.
But to all you out there, HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, A HAPPY HANNUKAH, A KWAZY KWANZAA and A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!
(You’ll know if he fixed it if you don’t get a Taylor Swift doll for Christmas).
PurpleAmerica’s Final Word on the Subject
A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Sometimes I'm good at at being bad, and sometimes I'm bad at being good. Seems like I'm always on the wrong side of the list.