The Elves Take Over Christmas

A Yuletide Ode to the Hard Workers Out There

The Elves Take over Christmas
 
Christmas wasn't always
Like the way it is today
In fact you may be surprised
That it used to be every day
And every kid got presents,
Not just the nice and good
And Christmastown wasn't quite
A happy neighborhood.

You see the elves were very upset
Over Santa's tyrannical ways
But they kept on slaving away
For days upon days upon days
Until one tired elf stood up
And said "We elves are getting screwed!
I'm tired of being exploited by fatso
It's time to start a feud!

"It's bad enough that this guy
Keeps us up at the North Pole.
But he makes us work here all year long
Don't he realize its COLD!
Its frigid all the time here
I hate this wintry weather.
Its time that we unionize
And get our act together!"

But the elves knew they needed more
Help than just themselves
So they went to see if the reindeer
Would come and side with the elves.
They talked it over with Prancer,
Who headed the reindeer group
He loved the idea immensely,
"I'm tired of bein’ Kringle's Dupe!"

Side by side the partners went
Through the drifts of crisp white snow.
These exploited workers advanced
Row upon row upon row.
They took control of the factory
And stopped production still.
Then their eyes moved toward Santa's house
And they went in for the kill.

They found him in front of the fire
Having chestnuts and sipping maitais.
The elves stormed the building all at once
And took St. Nicholas by surprise.
The reindeer circled the workshop
Preventing any chance of escape.
Santa, shocked and bewildered
Wondered how he'd ever got in this scrape.

They tied him to his favorite chair
Using Christmas lights and adding a bow
And so the elves told their tale,
Of every woe after woe after woe.
"We're here tonight Mr. Claus
As a mutual Elf/Reindeer pact
We don't like what's been going on here
We're renegotiating our contract.

"For one thing Mr. Nicholas
We're sick of this every day stuff.
We want Christmas only once a year
That should be more than enough."
"Agreed," replied Santa Claus,
"Now untie me elves right now!"
"Not quite yet," retorted the elves,
"We like it like this anyhow."

"Demand number two is simple,
We want vacations three months of the year.
We want to go someplace warm
Where we can get tans and suck down beer.
Preferably in the winter
When it gets unbearably cold."
Santa quickly nodded assent,
Reluctantly coming into the fold.

"After Christmas you can go
On a nice Caribbean vacation.
However, that's it, I'm done
With this entire negotiation."
"There is one more request," said the elves
"That our reindeer friends want to make.
The sleigh they have to pull is too large,
Too heavy for them to take."

"They want you to cut back and limit
The number of toys that you give
To all the naughty boys and girls
Who are completely uncooperative.
Little brats don't deserve a thing
And don't appreciate us at all.
The reindeer say the toys for them
Are just too much for them to haul."

"All right, you win," Santa affirmed
Caving to every demand.
And the elves and reindeer rejoiced
In applause, a congratulatory hand.
"So Christmas will be in December,
So you can be gone until spring;
And you can go to the Bahamas
Or some other tropical fling.

"And I will give toys only
To the children who aren't naughty, but nice.
I'll give nothing to the others;
I guess that will have to suffice."
The elves and reindeer considered it
Brainstorming any other need.
The head elf walked over to Mr. Claus
Shook his hand and said "Agreed."

And ever since in Christmastown
Things have been better for the fight.
When the elves and reindeer joined forces
To stand up and fight against their plight.
And as Santa gets prepared
For his annual Christmas flight.
A Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night.