The Trump-Ukraine Betrayal, from Putin's Perspective
They're Selling Out Our Allies, Behind Their Backs, Right Out in the Open
Hi! There he is! Ah, Donny! Good to see you again! Always good to see you!
Perhaps you can help me. You see I have this neighbor. We’ve been fighting for years. It’s really put the neighborhood on edge. You see, I’ve wanted their land for a very long time. It’s prime real estate—fertile agriculture, lots of sunflowers everywhere, awesome beaches, strategically located—and you know real estate is all about “Location, Location, Location!” Hahahah. We even owned it for awhile, but then they kicked us out about a decade ago, and ever since we’ve been fighting as I try and steal…*cough*…sorry there, take my land back legally. But these darn activist international courts with their liberal biases….I miss the good old days when we could tell East Germany to jump and they would leap before you even finished saying the word. Despite my best efforts to meet with these guys and discuss our disagreements, they have been utterly immune to persuasion and our kompromat, I mean charm. Instead they are only intent on squeezing our yaichki….er, ah testicles.
Now, I know you’re friends with these guys and have helped them in the past. But we’re comrades too, right?! And you’re a real estate guy just like me, da!? Surely you can understand our situation. Here, have another stoli vodka martini. Shaken, up with a twist, right! That’s what I thought. There are a few problems here we have to “fix” in order to move forward and everyone can go on about their lives nice and happy.
First, they have a great PR firm of a President handling their press and making me, er.ah… I mean “us”, look bad. Second, it appears that they’ve weasled through legitimate claims to the property through international sovereignty laws and all that—they actually claim I’m a “War Criminal” can you believe that? I know you have as many disagreements with biased judges and lawfare prosecutions as much as I do. So, in order for there to be peace again, we need to present to the world a positive portrayal, a sound “solution” that gives us both what we want, and everyone goes home happy. So here is what I propose. Another martini? Good. Drink up Donny.
So you and I hold a summit where we negotiate the terms of taking over..*cough* sorry, bug in my throat, dividing the property peaceably. I have these great comrades south of town that can host us while we do it, they’re completely on our side but will require a pretty expensive honorarium for the task. Don’t worry, it’s worth it, they’re good friends—I think your son-in-law Kushner is buddy-buddy with them. So we hammer out the details without these protesters—I know what you think of protesters—Nyet! Can’t have them there. We can do this in terms that are beneficial to us— you want a skyrise apartment building on the coast of Crimea—Done! How about Trump Tower Moscow complete with a “Little Marco” room! Done! While we’re at it, let’s rename the Black Sea “Putin’s Sea” and the Sea of Azov, “Lake Trump!” —Done! But the key is we have to leave them out of it. We don’t want negative ninnies complaining about this term or that term, and stalling preventing any progress. Let them just look at the end product and determine if its good. Da! I mean Yes?
And this isn’t all that different from what you just proposed in Gaza, da? I mean, gorgeous property, if you don’t mind the mortars flying all over and constant terrorism. But we can take care of that! We did in Chechnya and Georgia and Azerbaijan and pretty much everywhere. We can even help with your plan to annex *cough* ugh, there’s that bug again, I mean develop the Gaza strip. I mean, Bibi is a comrade, who could use a little help too. We can all take care of all these problems all at once! Make the world a better place, da!
So we put these terms together and put the ball in their court. If they say yes, we’re getting everything we agreed to and you win a Nobel Prize. If they say nyet, they’re the unreasonable beligerants causing all the headaches around our neighborhood! It’s a can’t-lose strategy comrade! And if there’s one thing us Russians know, it’s can’t lose strategies—am I right comrade! haha haha.
I sincerely hope you agree to this proposal. It would be a shame if you didn’t. I mean, let me speak from the heart there buddy-buddy Trump. If you’re not able to help us on this matter I may have to turn to some of my other friends, and I know you wouldn’t like them that much. I know Navalny and that Wagner Group general wannabe didn’t. I’d hate to have to squeeze your yaichki. Hmm..you spilled a little of your vodka. Don’t want to do that, now. Nyet.
Comprende comrade?
Spasibo. Do Svidanya.
PurpleAmerica’s Obscure Fact of the Day
President Theodore Roosevelt won the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating an end to the Russo-Japanese War. Part of the solution was….splitting Sakhalin Island between the Japanese and the Russians.
Japan seized the northern half of the island in 1918 and maintained full control of the island until 1925. Between then and WWII there were various disagreements as to who controlled how much of the island, but Russia took it back in full in the waning days of WWII. It’s been Russian ever since.
PurpleAmerica’s Final Word on the Subject
The Lavrov-Rubio meeting in Saudi Arabia isn’t Yalta, it’s Munich.