A Dearth of Positive Masculine Role Models

The Options Vary From Too Weak and Wimpy to Outright Toxic. There Has to be a Healthy Medium

As the father of a boy on the cusp of being a teenager, I’m paying a lot more attention to what is out there in terms of role models. He can tell the difference between right and wrong pretty well, and in the immediate area, he generally looks up to teachers, coaches, parents and other authortity figures. However, I’m not naive to think that he’s approaching the age where he’s going to look more toward media and determine which direction he wants to go as a man. This outright scares the shit out of me.

Because at the moment, positive male role models in the media are practically extinct. In some respects, this is a side product of the #MeToo era; most positive role models became much more passive in their masculinity because of it, and those that didn’t turned radioactively toxic. It’s important to understand that I’m not dissing #MeToo here; it was a necessary reckoning for many things that have gone on for far too long. But collaterally, it’s emasculated men to practically nothing. I’ve been on the receiving end of a “mansplaining” comment and an eye roll just for answering a question asked of me. I’ve seen women bully men because they view aggressiveness as a positive attribute, only to ridicule the very men they bullied as wimps. Young men are being neglected and shunned just for being young men; it’s no wonder they’ve tried finding confident men in the worst of places.

If you haven’t heard of Andrew Tate, you should. The guy is plain vile. This ugly mysogynist has been branded the “King of Male Toxic Hate.” You’d think that would be a red flag for anyone looking for someone to look up to, but he also has one of the largest TikTok, X and YouTube followings of anyone out there. The former kickboxer knows how to push buttons and talk a game, and if you aren’t careful, this is who your kid is going to look up to.

And as always there are also a lot of other right wing idiots out there like Tucker Carlson promting his “End of Men” video and Joe Rogan who has the biggest podcast on Spotify and just signed for a huge payday. It’s obvious young men are listening to them absent someone else to look upto, but are undoubtedly learning the wrong lessons that only further male isolation and frustrations. Exploitationists like Tate are admired by men based on a hollow persona; being strong, having lots of money and getting attractive women. It’s that last one that really drives the most insecure young men to them. They begin to emulate assholes like this because they look around their high schools and colleges and see the most attractive women dating the biggest jerks and think that is the secret to it all. Believe it or not, everytime you hear women talk about being attracted to “bad boys” they are bearing part of that blame.

So there has to be a happy medium here. Someone who is not wimpy or passive and who is proud to be a man, but someone who is also kind, helpful, thoughtful and respectful, especially to women. Most importantly, someone who is smart and who isn’t a complete dick of a human being. This used to be an easy thing to do in society; not any more.

Which brings me to problem #2 in this; places where men can find positive role models are diminished for men right now. Movies? Everything is a sequel or a Mavel movie. Who can really relate to Doctor Strange as a role model when they value his powers, not his personality? I heard someone say “Kylo Ren” completely unironically without pointing out that HE IS THE VILLAIN (but he is pretty cool—more on Driver further on). Music? Unfortunately, there is not a male equivalent of Taylor Swift. I heard someone say “Dave Grohl" which is the right direction, but he’s my generation, not one closer to the young men who need someone to relate to. Television? Who in this generation watches TV anymore, even if its Netflix? Then there’s sports; sports can be hit or miss, as the competitive spirit can bring out both the best and the worst of people. A major problem though is that the ones people look up to most for their athletic prowess are the ones you’d want your kid to follow the least. Still, there are some good ones out there.

It’s tough. There are a lot of positive male role models that I would consider as a middle aged adult as someone to look up to: NYU Business Professor Scott Galloway or Tristan Harris who speaks about the ethics of social media companies. Kareem Abdul Jabbar isn’t just a respected athlete, but one of the smartest and most reasonable social commentators out there. But he’s also as old as the two Presidential candidates we have and that doesn’t quite help in appealing to young men. There’s politicians I admire but having worked in it, I’m not sure I would call any of them outright role models. The forementioned Grohl, but he’s admirable today as a father and someone who appeals more to Gen X than Gen Z.

The closest I’ve been able to come is Adam Driver. From everything I hear and have read, he’s a first class human being. Before being an actor, he was in the Marine Corps. He got into acting to help deal with PTSD and emotional issues and found out he really enjoyed it. His first major role was in the TV show “Girls” as a supporting character. He parlayed that into Kylo Ren and has been a great actor in many films since. He often does appearances for charity as Kylo Ren in full wardrobe to the amusement of many kids. However, as he’s now 40, he’s evolving from youth appealing roles to more adult fare; we need someone younger now.

But there has to be more than this. Let me know who you think would be a good positive role model for young men. Please put your suggestions in the comments. The only rules are that 1) They can’t be political or “politically adjacent”; good role models transcend political divides, and 2) they have to be under 40, preferably younger than 30.

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

PurpleAmerica’s Cultural Corner

Growing up in the ‘80s, in a single parent household without a father, I had my share of media male role models. The ‘80s sure had their share of diverse male role models, stretching from the geeky (Picard) to the testorsterone driven (David Lee Roth). I think you’d be surprised to find out who mine were.

First in 1983, the first role model for me that really broke through was Matthew Broderick in WarGames. Here was a smart kid, fun, dealing with things that were everything I was into at the time—namely computers and the Cold War. Looking up to Broderick would become even moreso once Ferris Bueller came out 3 years later.

The second was Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. Too smart for his own good. I was a very smart kid, obnoxiously pushing myself to get As and excel in school. When you break a bell curve completely not considering how others in your class feel, you’d get where I was. Michael J. Fox was perfect for the role, and not only was he smart and clever and always getting into trouble of his own doing, he always got the girl too. As I grew from tween to teen, he was the one I looked up to most.

But when the hormones kicked in, I started paying attention much more closely to the guys who got the girls. This was in the period when “macho male films” were the rage; Stallone, Schwarzeneggar, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Top Gun. Aliens. You know big action movies. I didn’t relate to that notion of those male role models. The same goes for most John Hughes movies—women loved them but guys, we didn’t care for Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful or She’s Having a Baby.¹ But you know what did click for me? Kevin Costner in Bull Durham.

When the movie came out, I was only 14. I sneaked into the local Cinema and watched it. Here was a guy that oozed male charisma. He played a sport, was smart, articulate, knew what he wanted and didn’t mess around. He was on a whole other level compared to everyone else on the team and he stood out. He was proud of what he could do and knew, but also modest enough that he didn’t have to or want to brag about it. And he built strong connections with everyone, from the doofus Tim Robbins, to the mediocre coaches in A league ball, to the savvy and witty and sultry Susan Sarandon, never being better. THAT to me was a male role model, one in which I have always fallen short of, but always trying to emulate.

To me that character is still the I, Ching.

PurpleAmerica’s Recommended Stories

I’ve offered this book up many times, but I keep coming back to it. Richard Reeves’, “Of Boys and Men.” Its a strong read that talks a lot about these issues, and about what we as a society can do.

PurpleAmerica’s Obscure Facts of the Day

According to Gallup, the most admired man in the world is almost always the President or other heads of state. Ocassionally, Bill Gates or some other head of industry squeaks in there. The most admired non-political person under 40? Cristiano Ronaldo, who is 39 years old. Second on the list? Lionel Messi.

PurpleAmerica’s Final Word

“We’re the weaker sex.”

—Steve Martin in “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”

Footnotes and Fun Stuff

1. Though we did like Ferris Bueller and Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club was a total badass (that we didn’t look up to but appreciated).