A Generic Response to the SOTU, Mad Libs Style

The Most Worthless Speech in Politics Gets a Universal Template

Readers of PurpleAmerica have long understood my disdain for the Response to the State of the Union. It’s the most worthless, useless, pointless speech in politics. Nobody ever looks good after delivering it, for many reasons. My previous post on it here, delves into all of my continued hatred for this annual non-event.

Frankly, the whole speech should be scrapped, but once something becomes normal for the parties it’s hard for them to give it up. It has now become a big DC coup to be the person delivering the Response to the SOTU. You know what? It didn’t work so well for Jim Webb, Bobby Jindal, Stacy Abrams, Marco Rubio and a host of others. I bet you can’t even remember who gave it last year.¹ I bet you don’t even know who is giving it this year (and if you do, I bet you didn’t know who they were or what they did a year ago). Not to mention, its so full of partisan pablum, it’s not even a “response” in so much it’s just a scripted partisan attack. Providing a platform for this kind of partisanship is just further polarizing.

So in the interest of making the banal interesting, I thought I would try my hand at writing the Response Speech. The best thing about my speech below is that it can be reused in the same format regardless of who is delivering it. Enjoy.

[SCENE: A dimly lit, wood paneled office. Perhaps a fireplace in the back. Books on a mantle. PERSON in center of frame, under klieg lights, drawing contrast with the soft tones behind them.]

“Hello. I’m [Insert name here] and I’m the [Position] from the great state of [State]. Here in [bumblefuck…er…State], we understand the values that drives Americans. It’s kitchen table issues like the economy, the schools that teach our young ones, and affordable health care you all deserve.

“That’s why it was disappointing to hear President [President’s last name]’s State of the Union address tonight. It’s clear he doesn’t understand the problems everyday Americans have, from inflation, violent crime, unchecked immigration, to criminals with guns, the President has not provided any solutions to the growing problems that have made everyday life in America a living hellscape. [Feel free to add more and embellish as much as you want here]. The President and his party have utterly failed you; you know it, and they know it too.

“It’s time for a change. We need new leadership and new leaders. Let us re-affirm our commitment to restoring American values once more and support the [insert party name here] Party’s agenda, which will fix all of our problems and return America to it’s proper standing in the world once again. Government exists to serve the people, and in that, let’s get government working again to better serve your interests. America is the greatest country the world has ever known, because we are so free (yeah, America! Eagles, sparkler and flags!), and American Values are what our party supports.

When I travel around my state, I hear from many of you that you feel the American dream is failing, that it’s harder to get ahead, that there aren’t enough good paying jobs, that our schools and businesses are struggling to stay afloat, and that our everyday freedoms that so many of us take for granted are at risk. One such freedom is the issue of [guns/abortion]. I know that many of you out there are worried that your Constitutional Right to [own a gun/ choose to start a family] is seriously in jeopardy. For this, I put the blame squarely at the feet of President [President’s Name]. In a truly free country, it should your perrogative, and yours alone to be able to [purchase a fully automatic AR-15 with laser scope, bump stock and 100 round clip and traipse around in public with it/ choose to have an abortion]. It is this kind of insanity that President [President’s name] is responsible for. I assure you, that we, the [party name] Party have a solution to this and it is through us that you will enjoy the freedom you so desparately deserve.

[Repeat this cycle of introducing an issue, couch it in patriotic terms, blame the President for the failure and close with how your party has a solution to it—never detail the solution though, we’ll figure that out later].

In closing, I want to reassure all my fellow Americans, that brigher days are ahead. That once this change in leadership occurs, we will move onto brighter pastures, we will turn the page, we will start a brand new day. Americans are the greatest people of all time [pat them on the back] and it is through American hard work, ingenuity and perserverance that we will enter a new golden age through the [party name] Party.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

[FADE OUT]

PurpleAmerica’s Final Word on the Subject

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Footnotes and Fun Stuff

1. It was Sarah Huckabee Sanders.