Another Tragedy, Another Inadequate, Disingenuous and Irresponsible Pro-Gun Response

An Honest Template of What Pro-Gun Legislators Mean After Every Mass Shooting

With the constant carnage of mass shooting sweeping across America, I thought I would post a reuseable template for all those deranged legislators who want to express remorse without, you know, actually doing something about it. I’ve placed their honest thoughts in [italics] so they can appreciate how duplicitous they are being.

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My Fellow Constituents [and by constituents, I mean those holding purse strings at the NRA HQ].

Once again we have experienced another tragic incident in this country in [insert city of mass gun killing here, if you want to be REALLY on the ball, name the school, mall or church where it happened]. It is a horrible tragedy and our thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims and victims’ families.

I have been a proponent for increased mental health funding for [x] years and I think this horrible event underscores the need for more mental health services [yeah right, every time those libby Democrats propose more mental health spending we shoot it down faster than when I was all hopped up on Mountain Dew playing Duck Hunt back in the day]. Too many have felt detatched, emotional and depressed since COVID shutdowns [even though the problem existed long before COVID came about] and we need to better identify those who may be considering such drastic actions. And of course our social media culture only exacerbates the problem, where those predisposed to violence find online forums that push them further into violent acts [good thing most of those losers on 4Chan don’t vote, and the ones that do will never vote D].

We also need to increase funding for more security, more police/guards, security scanners and technology [to screen for more guns that have proliferated and increased in capacity to kill many more people in a short time frame—man, the NRA really knows how to sell some hardware]. Had there been more armed security at the [school/ nightclub/ mall/ church/ neighborhood/ wherever really] the incident could have been prevented or curtailed and the threat contained. The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun [even I know this is bullshit, but it is a nice catchphrase that the dumb moron gun nuts love to repeat and think of themselves as “good guys with guns,” which couldn’t be further from the truth, but…].

I would also like to caution restraint about spreading false information about this sad tragedy. We do not yet know all the facts [we know enough, we know someone shot up some place with an assault rifle killing a crowd of innocent bystanders] and as we learn those and ascertain what happened we’ll be able to [shift the blame to something other than guns] analyze what precautions will prevent such events from happening in the future [well, we all know it’s tighter gun restrictions, banning assault rifles, gun registrations and a boatload of other regulations, but I’m not going to say that!].

Of couse, the other side will point to the guns as the problem [well, duh]. But we have a 2nd Amendment in this country [ignore the first sentence, ignore the first sentence…], which guarantees the right to bear arms for all individuals [God bless the 2A and the NRA! If only we could shoot these hippie protesters]. The guns are NOT the problem [well, they are, but again I’m not going to say that out loud]. The guns in this case were purchased legally [they were legal because we’ve rolled back gun purchasing laws and maintained loopholes big enough that anybody can get any firearm the military uses whenever they want]. There were no red flags that showed up on a background check [because most incidents that would bar gun purchases aren’t reported or entered into the database, gun salesmen often don’t really run the check, buyers use a straw purchaser or the shooter steals the gun from parents, friends, or elsewhere; I mean, guns are everywhere!], and nobody indicated he was a threat to himself or others [hmm…why is it almost always a guy? odd. We should sell more guns to women!] The fact is that we could’ve had as much gun regulation as the other side had suggested [it is a good thing they seem more and more frustrated at getting anything done and keep lowering their demands] that this event still would have occured [not likely, but again, we aren’t going to say that out loud].

Our culture too, as evidenced by our video games and movies [those John Wick movies really do kick ass] demonstrate that people far too quickly resort to guns and violence to solve disputes. We need parents to be more responsible in letting young people watch and use first person shooter games [even though they play Grand Theft Auto and every other shooter game too] and watch ultra violent films on TV [man, did you see John Wick 4? Keanu is totally badass]. Perhaps we even need to curtail Hollywood and their liberal use of guns [see what I did there! I associated gun use with liberals! Man, Wayne LaPierre is going to love me here].

So in closing, I would just like to say [if I want to make sure I receive NRA money and they don’t dump a ton of money in a primary trying to dump me] my thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims.

Sincerely,

[Insert name of legislator here]

PS. At my next fundraiser I’ll be raffling off an AR-15. Any donation of more than $100 will be entered into the raffle. See you there! [suckers]

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Outstanding Tweet

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Footnotes and Parting Thoughts

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