Fun With Mail Responses

I Get Some Interesting Responses; On My Timeout, I thought I Would Share A Few

I had a few drinks with good friend and occassional contributor to PurpleAmerica, RobotJim, last night. Amidst all the discussions as to what we’ve been up to lately, RobotJim commented how much he loved reading some of the mail responses I get and highlight in my Friday recaps. To be sure, I get a vast spectrum of input in my email (purpleamericanunity@gmail.com) and comments on posts I make on Threads from time to time.

So it seemed like it would be easy enough to cobble together an updated Fan Mail segment of my substack and give the PurpleAmerican Teeming Millions what they want.

Let’s Begin:

On Girl Scout Cookies:

“PurpleAmerica- You do a service to those girls by buying the cookies! Most all of the money received goes right back into the local programs and gives young girls huge opportunities!…” [name withheld]

“Dear PurpleAmerica- I remember being a Girl Scout. Growing up we always had to do fundraisers for school, for band, for sports, etc. Never could sell anything. But put a table up of Girl Scout cookies, dress up in the garb and smile at people and you couldn’t keep them in stock.” [FormerGirlScoutRachel]

“This story begins with ‘Once when I was in college’ so you know how it ‘really’ began. Needless to say, we get back to the dorms and all I have to eat are four boxes of samoas. 20 minutes later they were coming back up and tasting the same way. I still can’t see that purple box without gagging a little.” [Name Withheld]

“If equity were to be taken seriously, they should let the boys sell the cookies and share in the wealth too.. That popcorn is awful”- [Name Withheld]

March Madness begins in a week. I fully anticipate having several boxes of Girl Scout Cookies while watching the games. PurpleAmerica.

On the State of the Union

“Dear PurpleAmerica,

I noticed you didn’t really comment on the State of the Union itself, and what a complete mockery Republicans have turned it into. I mean, failing to clap at even the most unanimous of statements and issues, the booing and heckling, and don’t even get me going on Marjorie Taylor Greene and the MAGA crazy demonstration she made. Joe Wilson was humbled and forced to apologize to Obama for shouting “You lie!” during an SOTU, but now it’s become the norm. It’s really disgraceful. I was not a fan of when Pelosi tore up Trump’s speech afterwards, but that seems tame now to what the GOP does. Why can’t we go back to when the SOTU was utterly dull and boring and nobody ever paid attention to it?

Sincerely,

BringBackDullPolitics”

Dear Striving Dullard,

I hear ya. There was a time not long ago I like to call the ‘80s, when parents would groan and whine because they couldn’t watch Dynasty or Highway to Heaven this week because the State of the Union was on EVERY channel available. Families played board games. Kids listened to the radio and did homework. Everyone turned off the TV and tried to find ANYTHING else to do. Politics was boring, and people went out of their way to avoid it at all costs. Nobody spent the whole day watching cable news awaiting the speech wondering what Reagan would say; I’m pretty positive nobody knew whoever was giving the response to the SOTU—they simply didn’t care. Unfortunately, today we can scroll through Netflix and HBO and attempt to find something else, remaining glued to the boob tube. But here we are.

On Rashida Tlaib and Michigan

“PurpleTrash— You’re just another racist, Zionist, Islamophobe colonizer who wants Israel to get away with genocide. There’s a circle of hell reserved for a**holes like you.” [Name Withheld]

You seem nice.

“PurpleAmerica-

I’m originally from the U.P.¹ but now live in Detroit. It’s frustrating because Michigan politics is all f**ked up. On the Republican side, you have gun loving MAGA s**theads like the Michigan Militia² and then you have the practical, smart Republicans who get slaughtered in primaries against them (with a little help from Democrats not wanting to face the smarter candidates). On the Democratic side, you have Rashida and the Squad ranting as far left crap as they can spew, you have the more traditional union Democrats who are old fashioned and boring as hell, and you have the Michael Moore-ish/John Fetterman-ish kind of guys who have opinions but are kind of just “meh” about it. I’m glad you started this page because it really speaks to me and tells me there are more people like me out there— I just don’t know about them being in Michigan.

Sincerely,

LionsFanForLife

Dear LionsFan

Thanks for the kind words. I assure you, there are more people like you out there. Get out, organize, speak your mind out at public meetings—don’t cede the floor to the crazy activists out there on both sides of the spectrum. Show the world that practical politics has a place in America still.

Even as a Packer Fan I was glad to see the Lions turn the corner—it’s been too long.

“PurpleAmerica

Glad to see you call out Tlaib and what she is doing. She and all of Dearborn should pack up their s**t and go back to Gaza like the rest of them.

-MichiganVoter”

Umm…there’s so much wrong with that statement I don’t know where to begin.

• Tlaib is not from Gaza, her parents were Palestinian but she was born in Detroit.

• Just because she takes a particular political position, one consistent with many in her district who happen to be of Palestinian and Arabic descent, does not mean she should “Pack up her shit and go back to [somewhere else.]'“

• There’s a difference between saying what she is doing is hurting her side, damaging her party and counterproductive politically, and taking the frankly racist and Islamophobic position you are demonstrating.

Seriously, be better than that.

PurpleAmerica

On Navalny’s Death

PurpleAmerica-

Fuck Putin

PurpleRussia

Can’t disagree. I feel you becoming part of the Global franchise here to boot.

On High School Sports Spectating

PurpleAmerica,

I think your idea of sports is way too narrow. It’s no longer just about athletics but about computer games too. There’s a varsity high school eSports league and it’s actually being pushed down to the middle school level in your state of Minnesota (although I’m confused, you say you’re from Minnesota and Wisconsin—which is it?) Conventional sports favor genetically gifted abilities, but anyone can succeed at eSports if they work hard enough and train themselves.

Sincerely,

TheRPGLebron

Dear FauxLebron,

First, I was born in Wisconsin, live in Minnesota, and constantly shuttle back and forth between the two. When it comes to sports, I’m a die hard Wisconsin Team fan.

Next, I can think of nothing duller than watching a screen where 10 “players” play on their computer keyboards a game that exists only in cyberspace and feels like watching a cartoon. It’s not like watching a game of the exact same thing live and in person. eSports is completely derivative and not worth watching at all.³ Basketball is bad enough having to endure sportscasters like Steven A. Smith and Charles Barkley drone on and on about superfluous crap other than what occurs on a court; the last thing we need is the high school equivalent of PewDePie doing the exact same thing and become worshipped for it. We watch athletic sports because its a physical game, demonstrating physical endurance and limitations, worthy of achievement. Watching a tall center execute a pick and roll with the grace of a ballerina is really a sight to behold. Watching it on a computer screen because someone typed in CTRL+Alt+P+R is just mindnumbing to even consider. There is no limitation of what a character can do in cyberspace.

Instead of promoting eSports, we should be supporting kids trying to learn Excel, Python and Javascript. Seriously, kids graduating these days can’t do any computing at all and seem to think social media is all businesses need for tech. If you want to make it more interesting, let 18 year olds drink again and turn it into a drinking game like in The Social Network.

PurpleAmerica

Lastly, On PurpleAmerica Generally

‘You’re just a MAGA hat wearing false flag operation.”

“You’re just anti-Democratic; you were probably storming the Capitol on January 6th.”

“Why do you hate on Biden so much?”

Anyone who has seriously read any of the pieces I post knows this isn’t true. Seriously, just go back through the archive.

“You’re some old dude who probably watches too much George Stephanopolous and Chuck Todd, pining for the old days like some geezer. Well I got news for you Boomer,⁴ America is not going back to the late 1900s when LGBTQIA+ were in the closet, minorities were oppressed and women were stuck in the kitchen.”

OOOHHHHHH…..I love it when ignorant batshit Gen Z zealots tell me what life was like in the ‘80s and ‘90s, of which they have absolutely zero experience and completely backwards ideas about what it was actually like. For some reason, they really confuse the ‘80s with the ‘50s, which genuinely speaks volumes about the craptacular job America’s schools are doing to teach historical context, particularly of social movements in the last 100 years.

Seriously McFly, hop back in the Delorean and really get a clue about what life was like before you comment on it and disparage a whole generation with your ignorant beliefs. Or better yet, lighten up, enjoy life, have a drink, get laid and realize a lot of the misperceived notions about the world you live in that you are going through now are the exact same things I went through back then, and that some years down the road you are going to be where I am with some dipshit stupid kid commenting about what a hellscape modern day America is and how they have the hardest lives in history, and how growing up is going to be some Sysyphean task that previous generations never have had to deal with. They’re going to comment about what a racist, sexist, phobic world it is and how they’ll never go back to the 2020s when everyone was back in the closet, minorities were oppressed and women were forced to do all the work. All you’ll be able to do is tell them how they have it completely ass backwards, how what you fought for was an end to all that and how you tried changing the world for the better, to which they’ll respond with something sarcastic and derisive like “OK Zoomer.” Enjoy your future (and seriously, have a drink and get laid, life’s so much better that way without the cynicism.)

That and nobody really wants Stephanopolous or Todd on TV.

—PurpleAmerica

PurpleAmerica’s Final Word on the Subject

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Footnotes and Fun Stuff

1. For those who are unfamiliar, the “U.P.” is the Upper Penninsula of Michigan. You have the lower part that is shaped like an oven mitt, and then you have the U.P. which borders Lake Superior and seems like it is Northern Wisconsin. It’s considerably rural, Republican and actually DOES seem a lot like Northern Wisconsin.

2. Fun fact, the Michigan Militia is one of the earliest Armed Citizens groups (often called “Patriot” groups, but I just don’t agree they are patriots in any sense of the word; they’re more weekend warrior LARPers) that became really famous after Ruby Ridge and Waco. It became infamous after it became known that the Oklahoma City Bomber Timothy McVeigh and several other Militia members created the bomb that killed hundreds.

3. Yes, I can see a point in 10 years where that statement comes back to bite me.

4. Gen X actually