The PurpleAmerica Interview

Today We Launch Our Campaign; Our First Interview with a Journalist!

GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME PURPLEAMERICANS TO THE FIRST EVER PURPLEAMERICA PARTY MEETING! ¹

Today, we announce our intention to run for President. Biden and the Blue Army of malcontents, who are never happy no matter what he does, are too disorganized and turn people off too much; Trump and his Red hat wearing MAGA nincompoops will tear this country apart; RFK Jr is a complete anti-vax moron that even his family is disavowing; and the remainder crew of Cornel West, Jill Stein and the other also rans are just too insane. So today, it’s on us, as PurpleAmericans to right the ship. We are creating the first ever PURPLE PARTY PLATFORM

As followers and subscribers to PurpleAmerica, I strongly encourage your input on the official positions of the Purple Party Platform, including and especially many of the issues that we will be discussing regularly in the coming months (email me at purpleamericanunity@Gmail.com). It’s important that we have some starting positions, so we can cultivate, discuss, argue, confer, deliberate, further discuss, examine, explain, canvas, confabulate, dispute, converse and engage in discourse on where the PurpleAmerica Party belongs on the issues.

To kick off our campaign, I did a sit down interview with that famed reporter B.S. Artisste, and we got right into where we stand. So without further ado…

THE PURPLEAMERICA INITIAL PARTY PLATFORM

[Cue the “Hail to the Chief”Music, ballons, confetti and the like]

Republicans are elephants, Democrats are Donkeys. What will be the mascot of the PurpleParty?

It’s been said time and time again that the purple, middle of the road, smart independent voter is a bit of a unicorn, in that it doesn’t seem to actually exist in nature. In that sense, there is no better mascot for the PurpleAmerica Party, than the Purple Unicorn. Bonus points if you have rainbows coming out of it’s a**.

OK. So the Clinton Campaign was famous for having “Don’t Stop” as it’s theme, Obama had “Yes We Can” and Trump had “Make America Great Again.” What is the PurpleAmerica Theme?

I was going to say “Pink Houses” by John Mellencamp, but Pink and Purple seems like it is pandering a little too much to tween girls; at first that seemed OK, but then I remembered they’re too young to vote.

Then I remembered, nothing quite brings out the PurpleAmerican spirit quite like complaining about everything wrong with America and it’s two parties, as sung by a Canadian. “Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World.”

Let’s get to the issues. What would you do about Immigration?

America has a long tradition of Immigration. Far, they’ve been traveling far. Without a home, but not without a star. Free, all they want is to be free. On the boats and on the planes, they’re coming to America. Love Neil Diamond.

Going back to the Mayflower, our ancestors came from somewhere else, took the land, planted a flag and said this is ours. They created a whole new society, welcomed people from all over who wanted to start at the bottom, work hard, make the most of their opportunities and strive to stay at the bottom; and we also kicked out any native Americans that wanted no part of it. Our current immigration problem has largely stemmed from us forgetting that second part of the equation. So our position is simple— if you are opposed to immigration, particularly against those who risk life and limb to travel thousands of miles over rough conditions, just to work in our kitchens and on our farms, we will create legislation that kicks you out of this country and sends you to a failed state in Latin America, Africa, the Middle East or Central Asia and see how well you can fend for yourself there. Stephen Miller can be sent to El Salvador. Steve Bannon has South Sudan or Yemen written all over him. Alex Jones- Guatemala. I’ve been trying to think of where to ship Trump², but would like some input on that. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.

Interesting, what about Abortion?

That’s between a woman, her doctor, about 3 or 4 nurses, her hospital administrator, her insurance company, her claims adjuster, her accountant and a whole host of people in line at the clinic, including that snarky girl answering phones behind the counter. Government should stay out of the way and not get between any of [gestures hands around] all that.

I see, so are you inferring there is a problem with health care in America?

Well, not really in the sense that it has always been the American way to be the most laissez faire capitalist country on the planet and to make the most money doing whatever you can with the least amount of effort necessary for as long as you can. Our Health Care system is head and shoulders above the rest in this regard. Just look at these two charts. The first one is how much we spend relative to the rest of the world; look at that—outstanding! Capitalism at work. You pay more through insurance and out of pocket than anywhere else. Nobody else is remotely close. Amazing. That’s the American Spirit!

Now look at this second chart. Does all that spending make us live longer? NOPE! In fact, we live shorter lives every year the stresses of finding ways of paying back hundreds of thousands of dollars. That’s a golden cycle right there!

I mean, you have to leave it to those insurance company bean counters and the capitalist USA to spend as much as we do and get nothing for it. Those businesspeople really know how to make a buck out of nothing at all! U-S-A! U-S-A!

But don’t you think people should get medical care if they are all black and blue?

Not black and blue, they’re showing off their Purple in support of our cause. That’s commitment right there.

What about vaccinations? Are you vaxxed?

Yes, measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, singles and a slew of others including COVID. I never get a flu shot though.

Why is that?

If I get sick I get a week off and get to use sick days instead of vacation.

Should we raise the minimum wage?

Well, as Chris Rock once said, the minimum wage just means that if your boss could pay you less, he would. In that sense, if they don’t merit a higher wage, then aren’t we just overpaying for something we can get cheaper?

How do you reconcile that with what you just said about health care?

You would go to a doctor being paid minimum wage? You’re braver than I am.

So what are your thoughts on the economy then?

I’m 100% in favor of a strong economy.

Can you elaborate on that?

Making money hand over fist is the American way and should be put in the Constitution. Both Biden and Trump are both in favor of weak economies. Biden desperately is aiming for making the weakest economy possible with all his stimuluses…stimuli….various stimulus programs that lower inflation and unemployment; I mean, how are we going to spend money if everyone is working all the time? And Trump is trying to sell steaks and Bibles; we won’t get to 100,000 on the Dow Jones selling Bibles. The Gideons give them away for free at hotels for Pete’s sake.

Fascinating, so what are your thoughts on green policies?

Green? We’re not green, we’re PURPLE! My policy is that the only time I like green more than purple, it’s when the Packers are playing the Vikings.

OK. But are you for environmental initiatives that slow down climate change? Such as electic cars?

I used to love those Tyco electric cars as a kid. You’d pull the trigger and they’d race around the track, just go round and round. Of course, you’d always try and clip your brother on the curves so his car would fly off, but they just don’t make those anymore.

Don’t even get me going on electronic football. I was the king of the Statue of Liberty play. 2 hours to set it up, and all over in 10 seconds. Those were the days.

Uh huh. OK. Should Marijuana be legal nationally?

Oh, is that what you meant by green policies?

Moving on, should America ban TikTok?

Let me be absolutely clear on this point. Banning TikTok would be a travesty. I mean, that song is just so damn catchy you can’t help but sing along in the car with the volume turned up to 11. Kesha needs to be making her 0.000001 cent per stream too. The Party don’t start ‘til I walk in—damn right. Of course, P.Diddy is in the first line of that song, and I’m hoping Kesha dubs over that with “PurpleAmerica” instead. I know you’re a fan of PA girl. Your love is my drug Kesha. Your love, my drug. ;P

What are your thoughts on the Palestinian/Israeli conflict right now?

I think regardless of however it is resolved today, they’re destined to fight about it again tomorrow.

Wow, that’s he most insightful thing you’ve said so far.

Thanks, I think I got it from that Steven Spielberg film, Munich.

Does America have a gun problem?

Well, anyone who wants one can get one. In fact, they can get the most modern equipped, multiforce hand cannon, with a bump stock, 100 magazine clip and laser scoping at prices that would seem as confiscatory anywhere else (if not outright BANNED!) but cheap here in the U.S. of A. In that sense, getting a gun isn’t a problem.

*Sigh*, ugh. OK. What is your position on arming Ukraine?

A free and independent Ukraine is a priority for a Purple Administration. As such, I’m willing to help arm Ukraine, but our support is not unconditional. We have to be geting something in return for their freedom; saying that, we will arm Kiev if they add a splash of Purple to their flag. Not too much, maybe just a little bit of the corner; take a little away from that bright yellow.

Is it possible to convince countries to put logo patches on their flags like cars do for NASCAR races?

I see. Should we eliminate the Electoral College?

Absolutely not. I’m completely in favor of higher education.

It’s not a college in that way.

Would that make it an institution of lower education? Either way, we need to fix our education system; there are way too many complete idiots out there.

Completely agree. Who would you want to choose as your Vice President?

I would want to choose that Governor played by Mel Brooks in Blazing Saddles. Best elected official in any film ever.

But I think we can actually win if we auction it off by lottery. You see, so many complete idiots out there play the lottery when they have zero chance of winning. So PurpleAmerica is going to fundraise off this insanely great concept. Want to become Vice President? Just send $100 to us and if we win, we’ll hold a drawing across all of the lottery entrants and the winner gets to be Vice President. You may say, “But the VP is an important position!” to which I’ll completely disagree with you—it’s the dumbest position conceived by man and in effect does nothing, unless the President dies. Giving the dumbest American a seat right behind me when I’m President is all but the most certain way I can guarantee nothing bad will happen to me for four years and I’ll have the best health care ever given to anyone.

Do aliens exist?

They’re not aliens, they’re undocumented workers.

Did we fake the moon landing?

Not at all. It took a huge studio, Stanley Kubrick, advances in lighting. Nothing fake about that. Kind of like Pro Wrestling in that regard.

Are you a flat earther?

How else do you explain maps?

Is D.C. fixable?

Compared to Marvel they’re in rough shape, and The Flash wasn’t as bad as everyone said, but after the latest Aquaman movie, man I don’t know. Maybe James Gunn can save it….maybe.

Are we on the path for a second Civil War?

No, Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr both retired as Captain America and Iron Man.

Thoughts on Critical Race Theory?

The 400m is always the most important race in the Decathalon at the Olympics.

Trans rights?

Have we ever defined a Trans wrong?

Handicap accessibility?

I think everyone should know how good a golfer our President is.

A.I.?

Well, it’s a serious problem. I mean, Spielberg took it over after Kubrick died, and it makes you wonder if it would have been better had Stanley still been in charge. It just seemed too….soft. Spielberg’s the greatest storyteller of our time, but this just didn’t seem quite like him. Its a black mark on his filmography. And that “Sixth Sense” kid was completely wrong for the part, but he was the flavor of the day when it came out. Jude Law was pretty good in it though.

Do you even understand how hard Living in America is?

Absolutely. I tried playing that baseline and half near ripped the skin off my fingers. That’s why they called James Brown the “Hardest Working Man in Showbiz.” Always thought that would make a great National Anthem; imagine kids singing it in school, “Living in Americaaa……” spinning around at the end like James and then going “I feel good!” at the end. Godfather of soul; damn straight. Some of our national pasttimes and anthems could use a little funkifying.

Seriously, we just did an interview, and it seems to me you are completely unserious about the job. Name one thing that you can do better than Trump or Biden can?

That’s easy. When I leave office, I won’t take any documents with me.

Touche.

PurpleAmerica’s Final Word on the Subject

Happy April Fool’s Day from all of us at PurpleAmerica.

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Footnotes and Fun Stuff

1. If you think this is actually serious, consider the date it’s being published.

2. My first instinct was Slovakia under the guardianship of his in-laws, but even that’s too good for the Don, plus, he’s been known to get divorced often so that didn’t quite work.