Why I've Given Up on Star Wars

It's Become a Senseless, Bloated Bore of Fan Fiction and Weak Storytelling

The very first movie I ever remember seeing was Star Wars.¹ It was at, of all places, a Drive-In theater. My father drove my mom, sister, brother and me in a beat up Ford Pinto station wagon to watch it. The first movie played that night was “Rollercoaster,” an uneventful film which quickly caused us kids to quickly doze off. When it was over, my father turned the volume on the speaker up, and upon that first opening notes of the Star Wars theme music, we all bolted upright awoke, as if kids at Christmastime realizing Santa was there the night before. From the opening crawl (which we couldn’t really read at the time, we were too young), to the victorious destruction of the Death Star, it was an inspring, exciting, enthralling couple of hours I never forgot. The use of locations, practical effects, newly created special effects, masks and wardrobes and a fantastic story fueled the zeitgeist for the next decade. “The force” wasn’t just some plot contrivance, there was a religious, spiritual aspect to it, that everyone understood. It started my love affair with the movies that has lasted over 45 years.

When I turned 8, I saw “The Empire Strikes Back” and was equally amazed; Han Solo “dying” broke my heart (I remember crying at the time). I had all the Kenner action figures, though my parents wouldn’t pay for the more expensive playsets. When I turned 10, I saw Darth Vader toss the Emperor down that pit in Return of the Jedi. From beginning to end, to me, the original Star Wars Trilogy were the epitome of what an epic drama was intended to be. And it was an end, definitively (even though Lucas always saw it as a “middle trilogy”).

I was in high school when the Timothy Zahn (“Heir to the Empire” et.al.) books came out. While I thought they were good and interesting, there was something artificial about them. The characters were there, the story was good, but it still felt more like some kind of fan fiction more than something original. In a way, they were.

Also in high school was when there was honestly debate over which were better, Star Wars or Star Trek. The Trekkies were nerds; completley focused on the show and the mediocre movies, and hyperminutiae. Everyone enjoyed the Star Wars films because they were swashbucklers. It was about the story, and the epic hero.

The heartbreaking thing is that none of the subsequent movies or shows has given me that feeling of awe I felt as a kid, amazed at the screen watching this great epic story unfold. Instead, it’s just seemed bland and like a money grab. First the prequel trilogy arrived. Ugh. “The Phantom Menace” came out and it was completely disappointing. I defended Lucas saying “He’s just setting it up putting the pieces in place, give it time.” “Attack of the Clones”² came out, which made the first film better but was just as empty at its core; the actors seemed like they were just going through the motions, which they very well may have been doing since everything was green-screened. Then “Revenge of the Sith” came out, which was supposed to the lynchpin of it all. We were finally going to see how Anakin became Darth Vader! All I could utter was just “meh.” ³

Lucas sold the rights to Disney for oodles, and the subsequent films were continued mediocrity, but with a huge volume of corporate groupthink thrown in to boot. The sequel trilogy is best left forgotten, even though they each had their moments here and there.

We’re now in entirely the next phase of the Star Wars universe. A series of streaming shows that “fill in the gaps” between the trilogies and various movies. However, the more we get into it, the more it’s typical science fiction bullshit like the kind the nerdy Star Trek fans obsessed over. Its like it was cobbled together in a board room consisting of Spock, C3P0, Doctor Who, Gandalf, and a boatload of Disney execs going “Hmmm….I like that idea but what if we just did this instead?” with everyone nodding approval.

• First there were the animated shows (Clone Wars, Rebels).

• Then there was the Mandolorian, which seemed more like a commercial for cute Baby Yoda⁴ shit than anything.

• Then there was The Book of Boba Fett, which they ruined by trying to turn the biggest, badass bounty hunter into a hero? C’mon!

• Even the Obi-wan series, which could have been excellent over time was nothing more than a drawn out show full of dumb hokum and meaningless plot threads. They somehow managed to ruin the reunion between Obi-wan and now Darth Vader! That was a softball they totally whiffed on.

• Then came Andor (better, but not as stellar as everyone claimed)

• And now there is Ahsoka.

All of these take place within the “Star Wars Universe” and tangentially deal with what occurs in the movies while introducing new characters, events, and plotting. However, with each one they have the same problem as the Zahn books; they just seem like hollow fan fiction. The more world creating they build, the more charmless and pointless they seem, only playing to the true hardcore fans. The quality gets worse, more contrived and more ridiculous. Worse yet, they lessen everything about what made the original films so good.

I gave Ahsoka a chance, I really wanted to like it, and it was horrible from the very first scene. The force has become just a deus ex machina meant to push a plot forward. The light saber battles are just rudimentary conflicts for no real reason. The stories contain more bureaucratic B.S. than an IRS audit. The narrative devices seem more like opportunities to pigeonhole some chance at bringing back some character from the movies than it is necessary to the story. It’s just become this wreck of a once valuable I.P., sucked down by it’s own previous grandeur and success. Everything about Ahsoka was practically unwatchable. The characters were obnoxious and unnecessary. The villains had stupid dialogue and were cheesy. The duels were perfunctory. The McGuffin, a kind of map of sorts, was a useless trope nobody cared about.

It’s hard for me to see any positive direction Disney can take this going further. I geunuinely can’t stand any of these sassy, whiney characters. The droids are completely obnoxious and sarcastic. The only thing more predictable than how bad a shot stormtroopers are is how the villains always wear black and wield red light sabers. Because all the movies have come out, we know how things end up and where things are leading. The thing is, nobody cares. Nobody SHOULD care anymore.

Everything that little boy, sitting in the back of his parents Ford Pinto loved about the experience of that first Star Wars film is gone. They should blow up the rest of the Star Wars Universe the same way they blew up that Death Star years ago, and end it altogether. It’s hard to see what this has become. It breaks my heart.

The Force is No More.

PurpleAmerica’s Cultural Corner

As I mentioned, I’ve seen them all. Here is my breakdown of the order of quality.

1. Star Wars. The O.G. is the one that created the rules of the S.W. universe and was a huge leap forward in filmmaking. Every blockbuster film since 1977 owes something to the original.

2. The Empire Strikes Back. A better story than the original, the spiritual center of it all. It expands and builds on that first movie, but it owes everything to that first film.

3. Return of the Jedi. A fitting and complete end to the series. Would’ve been better without the Ewoks.

4. Rogue One. A GREAT stand alone story and probably the only post-OG trilogy film that was worth watching. Makes everything about the previous trilogy better.

5. The Force Awakens. A pale imitation of that first Star Wars story, smartly written and well directed. Thing is the more I watch this, the more its apparent to me they had no idea where the story was going to go after this one at the time.

6. Revenge of the Sith. Huge drop off here. It’s not great and a bit clunky, but it’s just the most entertaining of what is left.

7. The Last Jedi. I know, this one is divisive. There’s an entire plot thread that you could completely scrap and it doesn’t change the movie one bit, and “floating Leia” was a travesty to watch. There is just one thing this has that those others don’t that makes it better; every scene with Mark Hamill is a gem.

8. Solo. Yes, this is better than any of the remaining films. No, it does not mean it’s any good.

9. Rise of Skywalker. I had a hard time with all three of these last films, because they are all genuinely crappy in their own way. The only thing that sets this one apart is the final scene between The Emperor and Rey. The rest of this (“alien Coachella” was a bit much) is unwatchable.

10. Attack of the Clones. I can’t watch more than ten minutes of this today without changing the channel. It’s like one of those cartoons from the 1950s where they mix live actors with animation. Some of the worst dialogue of any SW film.

11. The Phantom Menace. Painfully awful to watch now. You may say “but they had Darth Maul” to which I’ll retort, “Whom they completely misused and quickly discarded.” The entire plot of this movie is nonsense and pointless.

As for the shows…

1. The Mandalorian. The first season was something I hadn’t seen in a long time, which was like “Kung Fu” where each week it was a different adventure of sorts. I liked it. Much better the less it focused on Baby Yoda. This last season finally seemed to start going somewhere but where it is going doesn’t seem particularly interesting to me.

2. Andor. Dull and draining, but had its moments.

3. Rebels and Clone Wars. Its the same show at different time periods. Fans just don’t care—they talk about both in the same breath. I find them well made cartoons that don’t add anything substantive and can be quickly forgotten.

4. Kenobi. A huge swing and a miss. This could have been outstanding. Instead they somehow made it one of the most disappointing things I’ve seen streaming so far.

5. The Book of Boba Fett. Started out strong when he was with the Sand People. Everything fell apart from there though. By the end it was dreadful.

6. Ahsoka. Nothing about this was good. Painfully bad.

PurpleAmerica’s Obscure Fact of the Day

Harrison Ford was originally making cabinets for George Lucas at his home when George remembered him from when he filmed a brief scene in “American Graffitti.” They needed an actor to read lines for casting and thew him a bone to help out. Originally, they wanted Tom Selleck for the role but he backed out and the more they brought in other actors to read, the more Lucas preferred Ford’s take on the character. So he gave him the part.

The rest is history.

Here’s a bonus trivia fact: Ewan McGregor who plays Obi-Wan in the prequel trilogy has a brother who is a fighter pilot in the RAF. His call sign is “Obi-Two.”

PurpleAmerica’s Final Word on the Subject

I would say “May the Force Be With You” but since I no longer believe in that crap, let me just wish you “Good luck.”

I’m moving on. You should too.

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Footnotes and Fun Stuff

1. To this day I refuse to call it “A New Hope.” It will and will always be the O.G. “Star Wars.”

2. One of the funniest things I ever witnessed was on the day George Lucas announced the titled as “Attack of the Clones,” Jim Rome’s radio show (the followers of which he derisively refers to as “clones”) became a hilarious menagerie of mixing sports and Star Wars references. I was laughing so hard, I had to pull my car off the side of the road out of fear of an accident. When a cop came up to ask me if I was OK, I had a hard time trying to explain it through the tears and hoarseness of my voice from laughing.

3. A more apt description would be “All I could say is ‘NOooooooooooooooooo!’”

4. Yes, I know that Disney named him “Grogu” which is a stupid name. No, he is just “Baby Yoda” meant to sell merchandise.