Part I: Why the F**king Pilgrims?

This Week PurpleAmerica Discusses Why We Celebrate the Incompetent

This week, in recognition of Thanksgiving week, PurpleAmerica has a three part series on the Pilgrims of Plymouth Colony. This allows us to write all these ahead of time and then just automatically push them out without having to do anything else. In fact, I’m writing this in September. At this moment, I’m probably gorging on some mashed potatoes and dark meat turkeylegs like Henry VIII while watching the Lions walk over their Thanksgiving Day opponent.

Now, most publications take one of two avenues with these wayward individuals; either they were essentially the founders of America in a certain way of speaking or genocidal relgious fanatics bent on destroying Native American culture. Neither of these depictions are true. And that is the focus of our week. We are going to demonstrate for you, our humble readers, just how inept and incompetent these buffoons really were, and how they stumbled into success and fame. Our first story is about who these cranks were in the first place, the second about how they were utter failures in the new world and the third about King Phillips’ War, the bloodiest war fought on American soil before the Civil War, and how almost nobody has ever heard of it.

Part I: The Pilgrims. Who the F**k Were They?

Part II: The Pilgrims Fail Upward

Part III: Native Americans Strike Back: King Phillips’ War

So while you’re enjoying that turkey and pumpkin pie, watching some football and getting ready for those Black Friday deals, sit back, relax, and rest assured knowing you are much smarter than most everyone who came across on the Mayflower. Let’s begin.

The Pilgrims. Who the F**k Were They?

The Puritans who would eventually migrate to the New World were exceptionally strict Brownist Protestant adherents. During the 1500’s, people this devoted were often seen as enemies of the crown, as Henry VIII and Elizabeth I took control of the Church in England (The Church OF England) as part of the protestent reformation sweeping Europe at the time. Those monarchs looked to separate a lot of the political control coming out of Rome at the time and instead make some practical reforms as described by Martin Luther when he nailed his theses to the church door. For monarchs particularly, this was an opportunity to get some distance from a decadant papacy run amok in their eyes, and take control of the masses back. The Brownists, looked to separate themselves from the Church of England.

The Puritans, however, objected. Strongly. Their hardcore Calvinist beliefs didn’t sit well with the powers that be and they were persecuted for their beliefs, many thrown in jail for sedition or worse. So they did what most people do in that situation, the got the hell out of Dodge and went to Amsterdam. They developed a Puritan congregation and community in Amsterdam and eventually Leiden, Netherlands and became somewhat profitable merchants.

During the early 1600s, as James I and VI¹ took over the crown, it was thought that the Puritans would reconcile with the Brits and they sought a means to return from exile to England. Indeed, James’ secretary of state thought it was plausible as the Puritans were not disliked for the same reasons the monarchy disliked the papacy, and that the Puritans were devoted Englishmen all the same. James took a look at the Puritans and was like “I don’t want these religious zealots anywhere near my country.”

Around 1617, the Netherlands political instability was starting to ware on the Puritans so they sought other solutions to their predicament. Once again, they appealed to the crown to let them back into England and were dismissed. They had heard about colonies in the New World but at this time many colonists were returning to England and Europe, calling the settlements horrible situations and fearful of the Native Americans. Running out of options, William Brewster, the head of the Puritan group at the time appealed to the King to be allowed to be a part of the Jamestown settlement and the King approved (he was fine with them being anywhere but on the British Isle really, and with many dying or returning to England from Jamestown, the ability to shore up the colony served his needs perfectly). They would be added to the Jamestown colony and subject to the crown’s laws as dictated by the territory of Virginia, meaning he could still keep an eye on them too.

The Puritans began making the necessary preparations for the Atlantic crossing. They amassed a surplus of provisions over the next two years for items they would need in America. They also commissioned two ships, the Speedwell and the Mayflower, to make the crossing. Soon after, the Speedwell was found to have leaks and was unable to make the passage, shrinking themselves to the Mayflower to carry the 120 passengers, provisions and animal stock. Most of the first pilgrims’ families were kept behind and would come over on a later voyage. Planning to leave for America in August, but were delayed until September 6th, 1620.

The first half the voyage passed with good winds and sunny skies, but about half way there they were met with strong storms, rough waves, constant damages to the ship and several casualties. The ship was pushed back eastward several times and it took several attempts to continue to sail westward. What was to be a 4 week journey took 2 whole months. Finally, on November 19, 1620, they made it to America and spotted shore. There were just a few major issues. First, they weren’t anywhere NEAR Jamestown in Virginia. The weather had changed their course and they had landed further north than anticipated. Second, the strong gulf stream current off the eastern U.S. shores prevented them from traveling further south at this time. They were stuck there. Third, they had no patent or charter to actually colonize in the area where they landed, so they had no form of government, accountability or management in place.

Anyone who has ever been to Boston in late November understands that the weather can get particularly harsh very quickly. They lacked time to make decisions and changes, and needed to get on land, establish a camp and town and get food and supplies ready for winter, fast. They also needed to appeal to the crown that they were not vigilant in their instructions and that they were still a British crown colony. So, for the purposes of establishing a sense of order for that winter, and reporting back where they had ended up and why, they created the Mayflower Compact. People often point to this as the first form of democracy in America, which it is. But more to the point, they created it because there was nobody in charge, nobody reporting back to and accountable to the crown, and they needed to put something in place until such time as one could be appointed; it was out of necessity, not out of some strong democratic ideal. All the men on board the ship signed the document and when the Mayflower went back to England they would await further instructions on what to do.

So I hope up until this point you have gotten the sense that the first Pilgrims were in fact a bunch of unwanted, unliked and unintelligent collossal f**k-ups. They had no sense what they were doing, no sense where they were going, and no sense of what really their intentions were. They landed near what is now Cape Cod, MA without any sense or plans on how to survive the harsh New England winter, no idea what awaited for them, and were poorly provisioned and lacking security from the elements to survive that first winter.

In our next piece, we’ll discuss how they survived that first year leading up to the day we all preach as “The First Thanksgiving” (which really wasn’t). And then we’ll talk about what happened when the Pilgrims wore out their welcome with the Native Americans in the area, leading to King Phillips’ War.

So get your pumkin pie ready because this is where the story gets interesting.

1. James the I was the son of Mary Queen of Scots, and the first of a series of English and Sottish kings, unifying Britain. Importantly, he was also a catholic. Because of the dual nature, being kings of both Scotland and England, this succession of Kings usually had two numbers associated with them.